Boys… and people in general

This is ridiculous. I am supposed to be at home healing and already (it’s only been two days!) mom and I are talking about me not having a boy in my life. We were sitting on the couch and I was looking at a Mary Engelbreit book with a bunch of her quotes in it when I read aloud the one that goes:

“Open your heart-

open it wide;

someone is standing outside”

To which I commented, “No one is standing outside my door”

“Are you sure your heart is open wide?” my mom asked me.

Pause. “Well, maybe not, I guess I am kind of a bitter person, aren’t I?” I asked, not wanting a reply.

Then she started babbling on, “What about that boy who wrote on your facebook wall…”

The tricky thing about a disabling disease is that it chooses you and it doesn’t give you a reason for choosing you. So, during the especially rough beatings that my body takes from arthritis, I forget that other people have problems too, and I become bitter that I have to deal with this at such a young age.

Maybe my heart isn’t open. Maybe I don’t want to have to deal with explaining my disease to someone who probably wouldn’ t understand it. I have too much on my plate right now to open my life to other people. I’m dealing with having my mom help me unpack my clothes from school because my elbow is locked and my wrists hurt to badly. I’m taking naps everyday. I don’t have to energy to get to know someone else.

Or, maybe my heart is open. I’m not one to hide my disease, I just come right out and tell it like it is. It is too much a part of who I am to ignore it. I like to tell someone why I have a rash up my right arm or why three of my fingers look like I jammed them in a doorway. Maybe it’s the people who I meet whose hearts are closed.


~ by thetruthaboutjra on December 20, 2008.

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